I have reached an impasse in my packing. I no longer have any idea which item should go in what box. I have thrown away unused stuff, most of which at the time I acquired them seemed to be very important. For almost the whole week I’ve flipped between CNN, Star Movies, and HBO-the only English channels on my limited cable tv- watching half of Contact, Strange Days, Assault on Precinct 13, Myth of Fingerprints, etc. while stripping my walls bare and my cabinets empty. The more precious DVD films remained unwatched.
I’ve always hated packing. I always discover I have more things than I originally thought. At some point I need to decide what sentiments attached to what possessions are worth taking home, and which ones are the goodbye things. Strange that this is not so difficult when it comes to my colleagues: Anselmo, Rashid, Pia, Miwa and Ruchi are easily goodbye things. Heidi, Ruki, Zac and Sammy would be good to keep in touch with, and Chian, Susan, Rod, Victor, and Ed the ones I’d miss most.
A young staff asked me what the hell went wrong that such a mud slide of resignations of staff should happen. I could not give any one explanation as matters have reached a level of hostility and complication which may confuse him further. Yet I urged him to stay on, and learn the most that he can from the organization: the networks and alliances, issues and advocacies, initiatives and mechanisms, limitations and strengths of NGOs. These are valuable background which he needs to establish his perspective in this kind of work, despite his own frustrations within the secretariat.
As for myself, looking back at the organization I worked with for six years, I see not much has changed within us, or outside the larger world we engage in. Especially within the organization, there was still one man in charge of all matters at work; unaccountability over funds and strategies; program staff still didn’t know what the others are doing; decision-making is still non-transparent and unilateral, and the organization’s leadership are still very much engrossed with their individual gains from their friendship with the Executive Director. It’s sadly the same dog with a different leash, as we say in the Philippines.
Iin the last last two years I realized my Executive Director is in the dirty war international NGOs wage internally and externally to gain political advantage, just like any corporate boss. Lately my colleagues took to reading Dilbert comic strips to laugh about our situation. My Executive Director demonstrated that none of the strategic plans, collective management and responsible assessments matter so long as one knows the tricks to play with funders, partners and co-workers.
It’s hard to work with people like that especially when I consider myself from a grassroots background where precision and well-planned work meant the difference between concrete gains for the people and utter loss of confidence by them. Naively perhaps, I expected civil society colleagues to be at least sincere, with a genuine will to help even when skills are lacking. But Rashid justified this reality: international NGOs are in competition for funding and respect which make any means necessary to achieve this end; that NGO funding comes from the same source that exploits and aggresses on the poor economies and support militarism worldwide; that it was necessary to play and play hard to keep ahead-- and it was “better us with the money than others”. It seemed to make sense at the time but I think only to a certain extent.
So now stopping dead in my tracks, like the impasse I've reached with my packing, I told a long-time friend “I’ve got to re-wire my brain to understand again that I am still trying to make a change.” Thus to go forward I need to go back to where it all started- with friends and family and the life choices I've made a long time ago.
