Got to read your blog. My reaction was one of
surprise because I assumed all along that you knew I
was gay (Totoo nga yata ang kasabihan na 'maraming
namamatay sa akala). But I did not feel like I was
obliged to announce it to everyone, though. And no, I
was not trying to cover this up by being 'macho' or
something. J and other friends in Bangkok know
about it.
T is deeply in love with someone else, and she
knows who I have fallen for. What you saw between us
is really just a closeness between two friends,
nothing more.
I was taken aback by your blog, and by the strong
emotions that were reflected in it, so I did not
contact you at once after I read about it. I was also
going through some emotional stuff myself because I
was then about to leave Bangkok, which has been a great
experience for me. What I will miss most are the
friendships I have made, including yours. I hope this
will not be damaged because of this obvious
misunderstanding.
Hope you are feeling a bit okay now. Please email
back.
Regards, R
May 21, 2008
May 12, 2008
Regular Coke
10 May 2008
I often wondered each time I go to the gym why the Coke fridge is the first thing one sees displayed in the reception lobby. More than Coke monopolizing the gym market, I now have another answer.
Last night had been especially difficult for sleeping. I did not have a half-second of unconsciousness at all. As I rode the taxi home last night I knew this was to be expected after a particularly devastating disappointment. I organized a farewell karaoke party for a friend who was ending a research study after several months in Bangkok. What was supposed to be a chance for me to get more ‘up close and personal’ with this guy whom I’ve been attracted to for some time now, turned out to be quite a shocking turn of events because the man actually brought along a girl who was obviously crazy about him and came dressed nicely as if to indulge his last moments in the city. I met the girl weeks earlier when the man had coerced me into going to Sunday mass with him where apparently she also goes for Church services. Needless to say she completely ignored me after the polite introductions were done.
The fact that my friends suspected he might be gay made me furious with myself for not letting go right away and so ended up being slapped in the face with this awkwardness. For me the thousand dollar questions remained unanswered for life: “is he truly gay trying to cover it up by bringing along a smitten friend, or is he someone on his way to saying goodbye to Bangkok in the classic macho fashion?” As usual I vowed not to let it affect me but ended up tossing and turning in bed, growing more furious as I battled to nod off till the early dawn.
Last night I casually snubbed a last minute invitation by this friend to continue the party in Khao San road by saying I had an early morning gym session. The sleeplessness therefore added to my tension because I knew I can’t be able to do a decent workout if I did not get any sleep. It wasn’t my first late night party with gym the next morning.
It took my trainor two seconds’ glance at my face to know I will die that morning. He quickly adjusted the exercises by not adding the usual heavy weights. In the midst of a particularly sweat-drenched running exercise I kind of spilled my night’s torture. This was after he began telling me how his day started with a feeling of wanting to kill someone. “Me too!” I exclaimed. One thing about my expensive young hot trainor is that he quickly and unmistakably recognizes attraction and destruction in women. “Is it work? That’s why you had no sleep?” was the initial polite inquiry that gave options of one, answering gracefully like Aubrey Hepburn or two, bawling like Kathy Bates. He was clearly prepared for both.
“It wasn’t work, it was some asshole”, and then the dramatic misstep that made me loose a little footing. Realizing I was genuinely weak and not just trying to get out of a difficult exercise, he let me stop and rest. He urged me to entertain myself, relax and not to bother with it anymore. Because not many men are comfortable advising women about men, I felt grateful for this show of concern about my emotional well-being. But this meant that the session must end if I am to make it through the rest of the day. As I was signing out he bought me my first regular Coke drink in over five years. He said it’s an emergency energy booster as I clearly needed more sugar than usual. “And next time don’t come to work-out if you’ve had no sleep” he advised. I thought he was quite sweet to get me that Coke to renew my flagging strength. I didn’t reply that for a really shitty emotional state, the exercise somewhat helped my body to release the happy hormones.
So before showering I popped that Coke as if to save my life. My fatigue got me quite concerned as even my appetite was not working despite the workout and the fact that it was nearing lunch time. And sure enough, like an athlete who starved his body of carbohydrates several days before competition, then takes it in full measure to maximize its effects, the sugar and caffeine kicked in like a new drug. Hell, I even bought new training shoes to complement the energy boost.
And so I learned an important tip for that day. If I haven’t learned anything else this would be good enough for now.
I often wondered each time I go to the gym why the Coke fridge is the first thing one sees displayed in the reception lobby. More than Coke monopolizing the gym market, I now have another answer.
Last night had been especially difficult for sleeping. I did not have a half-second of unconsciousness at all. As I rode the taxi home last night I knew this was to be expected after a particularly devastating disappointment. I organized a farewell karaoke party for a friend who was ending a research study after several months in Bangkok. What was supposed to be a chance for me to get more ‘up close and personal’ with this guy whom I’ve been attracted to for some time now, turned out to be quite a shocking turn of events because the man actually brought along a girl who was obviously crazy about him and came dressed nicely as if to indulge his last moments in the city. I met the girl weeks earlier when the man had coerced me into going to Sunday mass with him where apparently she also goes for Church services. Needless to say she completely ignored me after the polite introductions were done.
The fact that my friends suspected he might be gay made me furious with myself for not letting go right away and so ended up being slapped in the face with this awkwardness. For me the thousand dollar questions remained unanswered for life: “is he truly gay trying to cover it up by bringing along a smitten friend, or is he someone on his way to saying goodbye to Bangkok in the classic macho fashion?” As usual I vowed not to let it affect me but ended up tossing and turning in bed, growing more furious as I battled to nod off till the early dawn.
Last night I casually snubbed a last minute invitation by this friend to continue the party in Khao San road by saying I had an early morning gym session. The sleeplessness therefore added to my tension because I knew I can’t be able to do a decent workout if I did not get any sleep. It wasn’t my first late night party with gym the next morning.
It took my trainor two seconds’ glance at my face to know I will die that morning. He quickly adjusted the exercises by not adding the usual heavy weights. In the midst of a particularly sweat-drenched running exercise I kind of spilled my night’s torture. This was after he began telling me how his day started with a feeling of wanting to kill someone. “Me too!” I exclaimed. One thing about my expensive young hot trainor is that he quickly and unmistakably recognizes attraction and destruction in women. “Is it work? That’s why you had no sleep?” was the initial polite inquiry that gave options of one, answering gracefully like Aubrey Hepburn or two, bawling like Kathy Bates. He was clearly prepared for both.
“It wasn’t work, it was some asshole”, and then the dramatic misstep that made me loose a little footing. Realizing I was genuinely weak and not just trying to get out of a difficult exercise, he let me stop and rest. He urged me to entertain myself, relax and not to bother with it anymore. Because not many men are comfortable advising women about men, I felt grateful for this show of concern about my emotional well-being. But this meant that the session must end if I am to make it through the rest of the day. As I was signing out he bought me my first regular Coke drink in over five years. He said it’s an emergency energy booster as I clearly needed more sugar than usual. “And next time don’t come to work-out if you’ve had no sleep” he advised. I thought he was quite sweet to get me that Coke to renew my flagging strength. I didn’t reply that for a really shitty emotional state, the exercise somewhat helped my body to release the happy hormones.
So before showering I popped that Coke as if to save my life. My fatigue got me quite concerned as even my appetite was not working despite the workout and the fact that it was nearing lunch time. And sure enough, like an athlete who starved his body of carbohydrates several days before competition, then takes it in full measure to maximize its effects, the sugar and caffeine kicked in like a new drug. Hell, I even bought new training shoes to complement the energy boost.
And so I learned an important tip for that day. If I haven’t learned anything else this would be good enough for now.
April 18, 2008
Surin Island Underwater Paradise
It takes a ten-hour bus ride to get to the Muslim-dominated province of Pha-nga. From here a large ferry takes one on a two-hour trip towards the island. Passengers are then transferred to smaller boats to reach the island itself, as big boats are not allowed near it lest they damage the corals. Koh Surin, a national park and sanctuary, sits south of the marine border of Thailand and Burma. Being on the Andaman sea it was one of the sites of the tragic
tsunami that hit the country a few years back.Additional trips to the Mogen sea gypsies community for selected toursists provide an opportunity to witness how the Thais have integrated them into society by giving them family names, a school, and some small business interaction with tourists. Several Mogen houses lined the beach if only to illustrate their way of life at sea. We were told the majority have moved inland since the tsunami.
The tour and dive guides are apparently all volunteers who were provided free food and transportation but without pay. I saw them picking up trash on the beach before everyone else awakes in the morning. They served food to the tourists. Many of them wore"Save Koh Surin" shirts that were not available in the souvenir shop. It makes perfect sense to have this kind of programme with travel agents, where young volunteers get to go along with tourists and educate them about the environment and life on the island while enjoying the trip at the same time. It's one of the more successful ecological tours I've known (the other one being the whaleshark diving trip in Donsol, Philippines) and I felt quite proud to take in more than the beautiful sights. I felt equally responsible for saving Koh Surin.
April 07, 2008
IF-- Cannes Palme D'Or 1969
IF Midnight Cowboy won the Best Picture of the Oscars in my birth year, IF, by Director Lindsay Anderson is celebrated as the winner of the Cannes’ Palme D’Or of that same year. The film stars Malcolm McDowell before his Clockwork Orange fame. BBC Scotland’s feature of the film quoted British officialdom’s disdain of the film as “vulgar”. Actually if we show this to teenagers of today I’m sure many would find the narrative slow, the acting stiff and the dialogues dry, owing to a generation of films that followed, about teenage decadence that made the theme passe. To imagine how it scandalized British society of that era, I just recall my days at an exclusive girls Catholic College run by nuns. It really does create rebels.
Reel.com reviewed it thus:
Shot both in color and black and white, If …. is naturalistic and fantastical, as well as horrifying and comic, as it expresses the trio's experience of this arbitrary world. While a strong thread of homoeroticism runs through the film as the whips obsess over pretty Bobby (Rupert Webster) (though it is Wallace who captures the boy's attention with a slyly seductive gymnastics routine), But the strongest thread is violence, the soul-crushing routine violence, the hazings, bullying, and punishments (Mick and his friends are whipped, not for anything they do, but for their attitude) that make up campus life and the surreal war games the cadet corps play. Under these conditions, it should come as no surprise when Mick begins behaving in the manner that he looks when the movie begins, as a fellow student puts it, like "Guy Fawkes back from the dead."
Shot both in color and black and white, If …. is naturalistic and fantastical, as well as horrifying and comic, as it expresses the trio's experience of this arbitrary world. While a strong thread of homoeroticism runs through the film as the whips obsess over pretty Bobby (Rupert Webster) (though it is Wallace who captures the boy's attention with a slyly seductive gymnastics routine), But the strongest thread is violence, the soul-crushing routine violence, the hazings, bullying, and punishments (Mick and his friends are whipped, not for anything they do, but for their attitude) that make up campus life and the surreal war games the cadet corps play. Under these conditions, it should come as no surprise when Mick begins behaving in the manner that he looks when the movie begins, as a fellow student puts it, like "Guy Fawkes back from the dead."
A parallel was made of this film and the riots of May 1968 in Paris while another recalled a more recent Columbine College shooting similarity in the United States.
For my own shallow observation, having learned only through American school standards and thus utterly ignorant of the British boarding school system, the film blasted me to only one familiar setting: Hogwarts! There was the so-called Headmaster; there was the Head of House; professors in long black gowns, and even the gothic school architecture. Then there were the three misfits with their nemesis teacher and schoolmates. I won't be surprised if J.K. Rowling said IF was one of the inspirations for her famous series.
Photo by http://www.reel.com/
March 21, 2008
March 19, 2008
UP Naming Mahal
2008 marks the centennial anniversary of the University of the Philippines. This was where it all began for me. This was where I turned into who I am. The site that determined the path of my life. For many UP students this is where their eyes were opened to many realities, and many never looked back.
One of the earliest education in the university is about the UP Oblation, the statue which symbolizes selfless dedication to the people, without need for anything else but the search for knowledge in order to "serve the people". More than fifteen years since I finished my university studies I still strive to remain faithful to the ideals of the Oblation. It remains as my guide and my beacon.
The UP Hymn is memorized by every "iskolar ng bayan" but the meaning is only taken to heart by a few. It is the song that binds me to the reasons I am here.
UP Naming Mahal
U.P. naming mahal, pamantasang hirang
Ang tinig namin, sana'y iyong dinggin
Malayong lupain, amin mang marating
Di rin magbabago ang damdamin
Di rin magbabago ang damdamin
Luntian at pula, sagisag magpakailanman
Ating ipagdiwang, bulwagan ng dangal
Humayo't itanghal, giting at tapang
Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan
Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan.
March 12, 2008
Incredible India
From the food, the saris, transportation, music, and shopping. Whether it was 40+ degrees or not, the people and the places felt very warm and exciting.Incredible indeed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)