Zahra's goodbye[2005]

There were many times over these past eight months when I would be sitting in a taxi and forget where I am, lost in my thoughts, and suddenly I would see something unfamiliar,
or the taxi driver would say something I didn’t understand, and I would remember with a jolt “oh yes- I’m in Thailand!”
I think that when I go back to Canada I will experience this- but in the opposite sense, like when I say (and I know I will) kup khun ka to the person at the grocery store, or the
ticket collector at the movies and they give me an odd look.
I know that every time I step outside my door (at least for the next few months) and I am hit with a chilling cold and a nasty wind, I will have to close my eyes and conjure up the
warmth of this country.
I think the saddest moments will be when I am missing all of you, and realize that I can no longer just walk one street over and find you typing furiously at your computers,
making your morning coffee in the kitchen, or discussing what good movies we should go see this weekend.
Nope, for all that I’ll have to cross an ocean…and cross it I shall! (hopefully sometime soon, because if not I will be very sad). Don’t forget though, you all have an open invitation to come to Canada-I promise to show you all the important human rights related sites;), and off course take you out for a little fun too. I once wrote to my family and friends this about working at FORUM-ASIA:
My workplace is a house of characters so diverse and refreshing, that everyday I am so excited to see them in anticipation of what quirky and interesting things they will do or say. Our office is much too small for the amount of traffic it attracts; it’s like a funhouse with distinct, and yet extraordinary characters who pop in and out of its doors, and sometimes decide to stay awhile. I love the dynamic energy, the passionate spirit, the immense dedication, and the heartfelt kindness that all the staff seem to embody.
I will miss, ever so much, lunches together, special dinners at ZAP, the thrill of ordering food, and actually getting what I want, and the very special talks over coffee or drinks, and sometimes dessert. I am not sure how to express what my time here has meant to me, short of saying that it was, remarkable.
There are also moments with many of you that I will not forget, like the IDP conference at Pak-Moon Dam- visiting the devastated communities, the dam site, and my own personal “trips” into the rivers (yes plural); the first day of ACSF, the KL “experience”, the second day of ACSF, the Where is Somchai? protest, the third day of ACSF, the weekend at Hua Hin, the last day of ACSF, and so many other unforgettable moments…
Please keep in touch, and if there is anything I can do for you, know that I would be thrilled, and flattered that you would ask.

Zahra, Mr. Book and I, at the book fair in the Queen Sirikit Convention Center. We grabbed Mr. Book as he was passing by, poor guy didn't even know who the hell had been pulling and shoving him here and there- then flashes and flashes of the camera. We spoke to him in broken thai and english. We instructed him to face this way while physically turning him another way, and thanking him at the same time. He could not even pause long enought to take a peek at us. Soon as we finished he hurried away, like some victim of mauling. We didn't even by a single book.

Newsbreak

Dec 22, 2005
Newsbreak Cafe

What an unexpected treat! Susan Fernandez and Bobby Garcia singing Leah Navarro and Basil Valdez! He let his hair down "due to insistent private demand" and, with Susan playing the guitar, both performed some of the most memorable love songs I've heard in many, many years. None of the people I was with that night realized how precious that performance was amidst all the foolery and laughter of the half drunk Joel Saracho and friends. Once again, just like my realization about Eraserheads, the more I stay out of this country, the more things I took for granted before have become very valuable to me. Antonio Banderas said it in one interview: when he left Spain, many things that he even hated, came back very beautiful for him after a long time....
I felt just like that- i mean- Leah Navarro and Basil Valdez???!!!! pshchschchhh!!! Have I ever imagined in all my life???!!!! So I jostled, drank, danced, laughed, and pretended not to listen so hard because most of my friends there have probabaly heard them a hundred times before... but i really appreciated it and wished to thank them for this wonderful performance on my homecoming. I hope they realize that they contributed a lot of 'class' to that humble cafe that night.

office transfer for 30 staff

it's the best thing we can do: realize our weakness and selfishness and then blend in with the rest

gising, pasok opis, kain, pagod, uwi, nood DVD,tulog

Ano ba to. Nakakahalata na yata ako. Sa susunod na linggo ikakasal na utol ko. Hindi ako inobligang umuwi para makicelebrate. May isolation na kayang namumuo sa pagitan ko at ng mga kapatid kong nasa Pinas? Tunay na bang maituturing akong OF na nalulugmok sa kawalan ng 'belonging' sa pamilya pagkatapos ng maraming taon sa ibang bansa-ibang kultura-ibang pag-uugali ng mga tao? Sabagay matagal naman nang alienated ang utol kong bunso sa akin mula nang nilayasan kong nanay niya. Simula nang nilayasan din nya ito, tila hiwalay na nga ang landas ng buhay naming magkakapatid. Ni hindi masama ang loob ko na ako lang ang wala sa kasal. Sa kabilang banda, hindi ko naman talaga maiwanan ang trabaho ko, kahit napaka-monotonous ng pattern nito: meeting, report, plan, conduct the activity, assess, propose, meeting ulit. Ang napakadalang na pamutol ng redundancy- sine, spa, karaoke, drinks. E kung walang me birthday, o anniversary, o victory, o bonus, e di wala. Meron pa kayang darating na life-changing circumstance sa buhay ko, na biglang hihila sa akin sa panibagong buhay? Yung hindi nangangahulugan ng pagkakakulong o pagkakasakit nang malala, kundi....yung.... iba. Minsan, tinitignan ko ang mga kasamahan ko sa opisina, ang pakiramdam ko sa kanila'y ganun din ang nararamdaman-waiting to exhale. Pero walang personal na usapan. Hindi namin alam ang mga sikreto ng bawat isa, kahit sumasabog sa malalalim na pakahulugan ang karamihan ng kilos at pananalita ng mga "colleagues" ko... heavy ang sense kong may kanya-kanya silang dinadala- each one of them....pero wala sa amin ang may comfort level na alamin ang anuman sa isa't isa. Or, well, dun sa mga bata, hindi siguro interesting sa matatanda kung anong preoccupation nila. But for the ex-pats, ganito rin kaya ang kundisyon ng relasyon nila sa pamilya nila?

36

Today they gave me a nice birthday dinner treat: Kang, Amraa, Chayanit, Dass, Noi, Ruki, Sayeed, Sanjay, together with Sunila, newly-arrived from Sri Lanka. Pla, Amraa and Nid gave me a photo frame, my first one, wherein I put the picture of myself with Zahra and placed it on my only bookshelf. The rest gave me a new cool notebook. I was a bit drunk, a bit disoriented with the company I had, completely new people and not the usual friends I have back home, but they were very sweet. I have not realized how much they appreciated my friendship until yesterday-- even Kang, the bitch.
Earlier, friends called me from Manila to remind me it's my birthday. Korapat sang a happy birthday song in Portuguese, while others sent messages through email and phone texts. Ruki, Noi, Nid and Sunila gave me kisses and hugs. Ton greeted me in tagalog. Zahra, my dear Canadian friend was on messenger and totally regretted going back before my birthday. Zahra and me are both pisces and both of the year of the rooster. We both like the same toothbrush brand, the color blue, the same kind of cakes and ice cream, the same music and movies,the same shops-- even the same guys. I swear she's my soul sister if not for the huge gap between our weights, heh!
That the group gave me cake at the end of dinner was not because it was customary but because they knew I preferred cake to any other dessert-- especially with alcohol.
That they knew exactly where to take me for dinner-- the place where we had Zahra's farewell party-- with the live jazz singers, showed me that they notice what I liked, and they get to know things about me. So much for "keeping a low profile" during much of my stay in Bangkok. Even people I hated in the office were there-- which taught me a fairly good lesson: you fight in the office, but you drink with friends.

sullen

A sullen but promising day, as most would say
as the cold morning will soon turn into warm afternoons
Birds are singing "bright and early love,for work and friends await"
It is my best season of the year, cold with no rain
But thoughts quickly turn to something a-gloom
"alas, I shall never get to know you"

Today, as tomorrow, as the future quite positively show
there's no turning back, no time to falter, or slow,
days are short and life is fleeting don't you know?
but oh so sadly, "I shall never get to know you"

N.C.